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June, 1967

At Pennsylvania State University, in my third year of college, I decided that I was going to learn on my own and not attend classes and only show up for tests. But it backfired when one of the professors changed the syllabus and, because I hadn't been attending classes, I didn't know about it. How did I ever think I could have pulled this off? I have a long history of going way out on limbs in search of independence, only to find out that it's impossible--e.g. at the end of that semester, heading to Virginia Beach with no plans and no support, in a temporary state of mania, I had to return to the university, temporarily defeated when the cops busted me for hitching on an interstate highway outside of Harrisburg and made me walk into town and catch a bus, which I didn't do, but instead hitched rides on state highways. I ended up going to NYC later that month with a friend and getting a job at Random House.

My life will become a continuation of this theme/psychology. I will have been heading off in this direction for a long time before I come to realize it. The difference between that future time and the rest of my previous abortive attempts is that I will be able (I hope) to support myself then. I will have been practicing and saving money all my life for this future time. All of these past failures will have enabled this success. As I go on through life, I will become more and more separated. Either I resolve this issue, or I will succeed in being completely alone. I don't know how this will turn out; I don't know what I will eventually decide. Either way seems possible, with a strong inclination, still, toward being completely cut off, like I felt that early evening in Harrisburg, hungry, defeated, sitting out in back of a grocery store eating donuts and drinking orange juice. I will not ever believe that it is possible to live without any social support, but I will frequently act as if I am able to live in that way. More likely, I will end up without any social contact, while the support systems function "below the surface," such as with Social Security, interest earned on savings accounts and bonds, cheap prices enabled by a capitalist consumer society, etc. Reading my notes from this period of time, I see that all of the above attitudes are inherent in them. I will not substantially change in this respect, as far as I will know, from this time on.