suspicion My paranoia is primed and I start to think that what I'd said was inappropriate and/or not taken well--or worse, worthless... I'm awake now. The demons of the night have been beaten back down once again. Just think. I could have been caught with that almanac on the way home and been arrested as a suspected terrorist.
string theory "...it was just one of those things / Those flings, those strings you've got to cut / So get out on the streets, girls, and bust your butts." [Jewel] "I'm done putting effort into places or people who may be inherently good but offer me nothing but a black hole for my energy." [Victoria] I cut almost all of my strings quite a while ago. But I never re-tied them to anyone new. I've become my own support.
tralineatious Bush lied and soldiers died. This latter-day Nixon is leading his police state cartel into the onset of Armageddon. Celeste is such an adorable and magnetic sprite. It's a good thing that she's so young and I'm so much older. I'm always starting out in new directions from take-off points embedded in the daily experience I document.
tolerance "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." [Homer Simpson] Time was I'd never stick around to listen patiently to someone blubbering about how bad her life's become. Being home all the time has made me far more patient with people when I will go out. (Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm getting older.)
Mad Cows and Englishmen The English are our friends in Iraq. We can't blame them. Okay then. Let's blame it on the fucking Canucks instead. There's a fine line between helping people out and enabling their helplessness. I find myself crossing that line all the time. I'm feeling a bit over-extended and would much rather stay at home, stay up all night tonight, and gather my wits back together. But...
remedial I am in one of my moods and pouting, partly because she's leaving. She stands outside the screen door looking in at me. Love is a commitment, which may entail a sacrifice. True commitment does not rely on socially-sanctioned relationships. After years and years of relative peace and a live-and-let-live attitude, times seems to be getting nasty again.
paranoia Khamal does not die, but merely appears in another manifestation. There is no death, but only transformation. My paranoia, when in the past it has been at its most extreme, was always my best revelator. "Paranoia is just another word for heightened perception..." Pulse
illusions Whoa! Sonofabitch! No death penalty! It just proves that you never know when sanity and real Christian values will prevail. Maybe my profoundest revelations are as much illusions as are my more superficial everyday experiences. The rain makes the inner silence sound quieter; and when it turns to snow, it sounds quieter still.
assumptions It isn't hard to glean the meaning of last night's dream. Management at that company I worked for were a bunch of whores, myself included. Who are these people who assume that we who support gay rights are gay ourselves? If I were gay, I'd be proud of it. The snow's melting and my roof's leaking again, in the kitchen and in the bathroom over the tub. I'm such a lousy domestic engineer.
comfort I dream I'm riding in a fast car around sharp bends and almost fall off cliffs into a deep valley. Is something bad about to happen? The gas company read my meter wrong and charged me way too much. I don't use my furnace any more. I heat with wood and electric instead. I bought a Pepperidge Farm cake on sale for $2 and, as I watched tv, I ate the whole damn thing. I'm such a fucking pig.
my purpose I keep forgetting that my purpose is not to produce these journal entries that eventually get processed into website material or fiction. My holidays start tomorrow--eleven days when I pretty much do the same things I always do, but with a lighter attitude. Things are getting out of hand, I think. I've thought this before, all my life, actually, but sometimes certain stories really piss me off. [This too.]
facts of life Despite being in general agreement with them, I don't like the bias, nor the tone of BuzzFlash mailings. It's a fact of life that if you want to find something, you have to be looking for it; to wit, the leaker in the White House. I never wanted kids. I never felt any inclination in that direction. But I like kids, more than I like adults.
stuck inside The essence of withdrawal is remaining out of trouble. External events dwell on me, forcing me to reciprocate. I love her, but I can't tell her because she's married and I'm not that kind of person. Anyway, it's just an obsession. She could be anybody. It's too much, way too much; and it's never enough. But it's in good taste. I have to see it all, except the gayest stuff.
sociable people 'Sociable' is one of those funny words that doesn't necessarily mean what we think it does. Brainscan 1994. Edward Furlong, Frank Langella, Amy Hargreaves, Jamie Marsh, T. Ryder Smith. I'd like to be that last guy. I Love You...Don't Touch Me! Marla Schaffel, Mitchell Whitfield. Is this guy related to Bradley Whitfield (Josh) on The West Wing? They sort of look alike.
vengeance The abolition of the death penalty need not be the namby-pamby phenomenon it's most often made out to be by conservatives. I'm starting to believe that the French and Germans were right about the invasion of Iraq. I should have known this all along, but... Every mismatch between us, every single little discrepancy, struggles in our psyches to become a full-blown disruptive episode.
ubiquitous blogs These ubiquitous blogs all say, mostly, the same thing: Hey! Pay attention to me! Why am I adding my two cents to this phenomenon? Am I that cheap? I guess so. But there are a few worthwhile blogs after all. I wonder which group I will fall into?
start again The www is littered with unused blogs I've begun and abandoned. Maybe this'll be the one that "takes." This blog is still in the experimental stages. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with it yet. As a matter of fact, that just about sums up my whole life.
serial mouse: As a function of my periodic wayward psychology, the idea of a mass murdering rodent keeps popping into my head.
I don't buy it. Security and fraud in the Brave New World. Protect your right to keep and arm bears. |
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